Here we present a humorous hockey
look at life TOONS ON-ICE style!!!
|
Coach Grampa says the only great thing about traffic is that it's great for admiring Hooters Bumper stickers on the way to the game.
Presenting the Top 10 things you can do while sitting in traffic in the crease! |
General Lee drum role please...
10. Elbow the idiot next to you...
9. Turn up your Pantera CD...
8. Comb your mullet...
7. Pick your nose...
6. Dream a little dream...
5. Score an ice girls phone number...
4. Ice Fish...
3. Yell at the light to change...
2. Slarf a hot-dog...
1. Shoot the damn puck!!!
|
One for the hockey, two for the show, three to get ready, now go Ref go! Old Refs never die they just move to Vegas and get eaten by a little old lady playing slots!
Presenting the Top 10 reasons Hockey Refs make horrible Las Vegas Performers! |
Liberace drum role please...
10. The $1.99 Refs all you can eat hot-dog buffet would always be sold-out...
9. Ref Performers even make Chippendales look heterosexual...
8. Their opening theme song would be "Eat it"...
7. They all have Fat Elvis posters in their dressing room...
6. The world is not ready for neon flashing disco whistles...
5. Refs dance like MC Hammer...
4. Viva Ref Mania would creep the country...
3. Black and white striped Walmart Speedo's would not...
2. There would be a popcorn machine in every casino...
1. The Ref Pack!!!
|
Does your Grandma's sled need a groovie new pimped out makeover with a custom fish bowl, toilet, X-Box and a big HDTV to watch 99 channels of of American TV crap in high depth?
Presenting the Top 10 Reasons to never Pimp your Zamboni! |
Lil' John drum role please...
10. Your 100,000 watt stereo will crack the ice...
9. Dad is not Bling...
8. Cops will always pull you over...
7. Crack and Hockey don't go together..
6. Canadians will think it's a drive-by...
5. You'll never get a date...
4. Your curb feelers will trip Refs...
3. Kid's will steal your rims...
2. Shaq will want one...
1. You'll get Zamboni jacked!!!
|
Did Edgar Allan Puck have a wicked one timer when he wrote “Fall of the Rink of Usher?” Ever wonder why Peter Lorie creeped out British Referees before games? Did Refs way back in the year 1839 B.G. ( before glasses ) have cob webs in their whistles?
Presenting the Top 10 reasons Vincent Price was a scary hockey player! |
Crypt-keeper drum role please...
10. He scared the hell out of the other team...
9. Vincent quoted the Raven on Powerplays...
8. He drove the Four Horseman Zamboni...
7. Ivan the Grave Digger sharpened his skates...
6. He knocked Boris Karloff out once...
5. He established the first moat backyard ice rink...
4. His annual evil spells Fundraiser was a big hit...
3. His first hockey net was an Iron Maiden...
2. He slarfed the first dungeon game hot-dog...
1. He had bats in his skate bag!!!
|
Do you think Grandma would dig the new 2005 Ref Illustrated Swimsuit issue? I guess she'd love one if she had to hurl or needed a new dart board for the laundry room!
Presenting the Top 10 Reasons NOT to buy the new Ref Illustrated Swimsuit Calendar! |
Fabio drum role please...
10. Too many Speedo’s...
9. It will scare your children and pets...
8. The Mullet Centerfold...
7. Even the Village People won_t look at it...
6. It’s more horrifying than the NHL Strike...
5. There is no Butt Crack Hall of Fame...
4. You can’t body paint a black and white striped beached whale...
3. The free Michael Jackson CD skips...
2. It will ruin your appetite...
1. It got two snaps down!!!
|
Do you feel like an Eskimo Pie ON-ICE? Is it so cold your peanuts are frozen to your hot-dog? You know your getting old when Santa starts looking young, and you know your getting cold when you turn into Frosty the Snowman and die with a carrot and two pieces of cole crammed in your face!
Presenting the Top 10 reasons your from Wisconsin if!?! |
Bart Starr drum role please...
10. You define summer as three months of bad sledding...
8. You’ve ever been sunburned and frostbitten in the same week...
9. Snow tires become standard...
7. “Down South” means Chicago...
6. The “Big Three” means Miller, Old Milwaukee and Pabst Blue Ribbon ...
5. Traveling coast to coast means going from Lake Superior to Milwaukee...
4. Your dogs balls are frozen to the side of his leg...
3. You don’t have an NHL team...
2. Dad’s lawnmower is a Zamboni...
1. You have a piece of cheese on your head !!!
|
Four scores and seven overtimes today! Did you ever wonder what would happen if George Washington dropped the gloves on George Bush!?!
Top 10 reasons George Washington could kick George Bush's duff! |
Patriots drum role please...
10. George Washington slarfed the first Declaration Day hot-dog...
9. He beat the crap out of the Red Coats with a Sherwood Cherry Tree...
8. Washington actually served in the US military...
7. George Washington had a backyard ice rink...
6. He invented quarter beer games...
5. Washington had a better mullet...
4. His teeth and stick were made of wood...
3. He founded the first ten minute major ...
2. George Washington could read the scoreboard...
1. Martha had a mean right hook!!!
|
Just when Referee's thought they found the meaning of life ON-ICE, they changed it. Ref's will tell you the only thing good to come from skating is the free hot-dogs!
Presenting The Top 10 Philosophies of a Ref’s Life! |
Mark Twain drum role please...
10. You must have more than three TV channels to sustain life...
9. Always keep your pop corn machine well buttered...
8. A doughnut a day keeps the wife away...
7. Never let a coach borrow your whistle...
6. Avoid eye doctor’s who’s office plants have died...
5. Best car in the world is a Pinto...
4. Lens Crafters is never right...
3. Always shop at Walmart...
2. Never be a goalie...
1. Barney Rules!!!
|
Got duck? The largest hunting game a Ref could take down would be Bambi on Quaaludes and Beer! Trust me if your next meal depended on a Refs hunting expertise, you are most likely end up starving, or getting eaten by wild animals in search of a Burger King drive thru on the Amazon!
Top 10 Reasons to never go Safari Hunting with a Ref! |
Cannibals drum role please...
10. The Tigers will smell their Barney after shave coming...
9. Black and white stripes make bad camouflage...
8. Tarzan will think it’s Zebra mating season...
7. Never trust a blind person to back you up in the jungle...
6. Their whistle will scare the elephants...
5. You’ll be farting and singing Boy George songs around the camp fire...
4. They can’t out run a Rhino without dropping their jumbo hot-dog...
3. There’s not enough doughnuts for Ref’s to migrate there...
2. They think quick-sand is a red-neck hot tub...
1. The Ref’s are worse than the flies!!!
KILLER TOONS ON ICE GEAR
Hockey Merchandise Headquarters
WHAT'S NEW ON-ICE ... FEATURE DEPT. ... TOONS ON-ICE HOCKEY LEAGUE
HOME ... PUCK TALES ... GRANNY'S HOCKEY RECIPES ... LINKS
CLIENTELE DEPT ... PHOTO GALLERY ... LIL' PUCKERS CLUB
ARTIST VAULT ... AFFILIATE PROGRAM ... TOONS ON-ICE FUNDRAISERS
FOR MORE INFO CONTACT: Michael Fischer at [email protected]
©1998-2006 Toons On Ice Hockey
Website Design & Maintenance by Tony Gerber at Space for Music Online
TOONS ON-ICE Hockey CEO-Artist-Creator Michael Fischer Image Copy right