TOONS ON-ICE Feature Dept.
Hockey Humor Top Ten Lists






“If sharks could vote, Ref’s would be elected the #1 ultimate chicken of the sea! All west coast sharks know the best drive-thrus are open 24 hours!

Presenting the Top 10 Reasons to never swim in the ocean with a Referee!

Jaws drum role please...

10. They whistle alot...
9. Their Pink Plastic Barney Floats are annoying...
8. They get mustard in the pool...
7. David Hasslehoff is their idol...
6. They always yell for their Mommies ...
5. They get distracted by the L.A Food Trucks and drown...
4. They fart in the water...
3. They listen to Disco in the car on the way to the Beach...
2. Thier Speedo's scare the tourists...
1. Beach closed due to Ref's!!!






Are you tired of Metallica blasting from one end of your house? Do you live with a
reluctant juvenile who thinks “taking out the trash” is high sticking a Ref? Is your
phone bill higher than Keith Richards? Is the First National Bank of Dad closed???
Then you must be living with a teenage Demon who used to be your loving child!

We present our Top 10 list of Ways to Get Your Teenager to Move Out!

Mom drum roll please...

10. Take the door off their room...
9. Start every conversation with “When I was your age”...
8. Hold a garage sale in their bedroom...
7. Serve boiled codfish for dinner 30 nights in a row...
6. Walk around the house in your underwear...
5. Play Air Supply records all day...
4. Put Vaseline on the front door knob so they can’t get in the house...
3. Leave a Canadian travel brochure in their room...
2. Hire an ugly maid that vacuums at 6am...
1. Trade em' to another family for a draft choice to be named later on!!!






We present the “ABC’s of Hockey” TOONS ON-ICE style! ( Fan Version )

A. Stands for Anthem that's performed like skating cattle...
B. Stands for Badly as two teams prepare for Battle...
 C. Stands for Center-Ice where the teams Converge to start...
D. Stands for Dumb blind Ref about to Drop the puck...
 E. Stands for Excited crowd Eating like wild pigs...
F. Stands for Fans slarfing Food wearing Furry puckhead wigs...
 G. Stands for Goalies Guarding their Goal cages...
H. Stands for Henchmen dishing out High-sticking majors...
 I. Stands for Ice-Girls shoveling the blessed Ice...
J. Stands for Jabbering loud mouth fans yelling things not so nice...
 K. Stands for Killer Kowalski skating on the attack...
L. Stands for goalie Leaving his crease and his coach yelling “Le’ hurry and get back”...
 M. Stands for Mascot, annoying, colorful and cuddly...
N. Stands for European player with No goals and way too many penalties...
 O. Stands for Organ that fills up the arena between plays...
P. Stands for Pop-Corn and Peanuts and People who eat on card board trays...
 Q. Stands for Quick player who's fast on the draw...
R. Stands for Red Light making the home crowd Roar...
 S. Stands for Slap-Shot Some Star player Shot into the net...
T. Stands for Time Clock showing only seconds left...
 U. Stands for Underdog who just scored his breakaway wish...
V. Stands for Veteran Goalie flopping in his crease like a fish...
 W. Stands for Whacko team owner now feeling like a jerk...
X. Stands for X-Coach now looking for new work...
 Y. Stands for Yelling as the crowd cheers the victory they have won...
Z. Stands for the Zamboni coming out to clean up all the fun...





Old Refs never die, they just move to Vegas and get beat up by little old ladies playing slots!

Presenting the Top 10 reasons Hockey Refs make horrible Las Vegas Performers!

Criss Angel drum role please...

10. The $1.99 all you can eat hot-dog buffet would always be sold-out...
 9. Tossing players out of the face off circle is not talent...
8. Their opening show song would be "Eat it"...
 7. Referee's all have Fat Elvis posters in their dressing room...
6. The world is not ready for neon flashing whistles...
 5. Ice Hockey Referee's boogie like MC Hammer...
4. Viva Ref Mania would creep the country...
 3. Canadian Tourists would never pay to see the Ref Pack ...
2. Since they can't see very well, they would keep falling off the casino stage...
 1. The Lion's would eat them!!!





What would happen if a million dollar game show jackpot depended on the final decision of an ice hockey referee?

Presenting the Top 10 reasons Refs make bad TV game show contestants!

Monty Hall drum role please...

10. They can’t see the wall puzzle...
9. Only Refs, George Bush and James Brown don’t know what a vowel is...
8. Whistles are not allowed on Game Shows...
7. They spin the prize wheel the wrong way...
6. The game buzzer signal makes their hearing aids buzz...
5. They keep calling their mothers...
4. Vanna’s hooters would distract them...
3. They find out on National TV they're a loser...
2. They failed Scrabble 101...
1. They try to control the end of the game!!!





Good luck if your next meal depended on a Refs hunting expertise. You are most likely end up starving, or getting eaten by wild animals in search of a Burger King drive-thru on the Amazon River!

Top 10 Reasons to never go Safari Hunting with a Ref!

Cannibals drum role please...

10. The Tigers will smell their Barney after shave coming...
9. Black and white stripes make bad camouflage...
8. Tarzan will think it’s hockey season...
 7. Never trust a blind person to back you up in the jungle...
6. Their whistle will scare the elephants...
 5. You’ll be farting around the camp fire...
4. They can’t out run a Rhino without dropping their jumbo hot-dog...
3. There’s not enough doughnuts for Ref’s to migrate there...
2. They think Preds Fans created quick-sand...
1. The Ref’s are worse than the flies!!!





Ever wonder why Hockey Moms make great super hero's?

Presenting the Top 10 reasons Wonder Women would make a Super Hockey Mom!

Super Dad drum role please...

10. She comes from an island of Hockey moms in Toga's...
9. She can use her Golden Truth Lasso on Refs ( and Coach Dad )...
8. Her save percentage in net is lower than Aqua-Man...
7. She can fly through a drive-thru in under 10 seconds flat..
6. Burger King Managers always give her free french fries cuz she has big hooters...
5. She has a built in super hero radar detector to scan for half price shopping sales...
4. Her cell phone doubles as a laser hair and nail dryer...
3. She can twirl in circles and turn into Wonder Mom without spilling coffee on the dog...
2. She TIVO's Desperate Ref Wifes on ABC...
1. The kids dig her invisble mini-van!!!





Let’s face it! If the Gods hadn’t created Hockey Moms, there wouldn’t be anyone to fuss over your first pair of ice skates! One day Mom's 1985 mini van will be inducted into the Hockey Hall of Fame next to Gordie Howe, Wayne Gretzky and The Zamboni.

The Top 10 List of “Why Hockey Moms rule”!!!

Walmart drum roll please...

10. A Hockey Mom can kick a Soccer Mom’s tail...
9. In the beginning, Eve was a Hockey Mom...
8. Who else drops you and your bum friends off at hockey practice at 6am...
7. Hockey Moms are in charge of bills, boo-boos, and fast food drive-thrus...
6. Mom will sacrifice a shopping spree at Walmart to buy their kid new skates...
5. They know the short cut to McDonalds...
4. Mom keeps the Referee’s well stocked with ear plugs...
3. Mom invented the first kick save on Dad in bed...
2. Who else can juggle hot coffee, a cell phone, and rowdy Lil' Puckers with grace...
1. Mom has a 100 mph slapper!!!





Just when hockey referees thought they discovered the meaning of life, somebody changed it to a two minute minor. Ref's will tell you the best thing to come from officiating are the free hot-dogs.

Here are the Top 10 Philosphies of a Ref's life!!!

Little Debbie drum role please...

10. You must have more than 3 TV channels to sustain life...
9. Always keep your pop corn machine well buttered...
8. A doughnut a day keeps the Coaches away...
7. Never let a dog use your whistle...
6. Avoid eye doctor’s who’s office plants have died...
5. The greatest car in the world is a 1973 Dodge Dart...
4. Lens Crafters is never right...
3. Farting is a sport...
2. Never let a Hockey Mom borrow your Boy George 8 track tapes...
1. The belly rules!





Do you gasp for air when you lace up your skates? Do you dig easy chairs? Is your TV remote connected to your hockey glove? Is it so hard for you to bend over that you find other things to do while your down there?

Here are the Top 10 hints that your Old Time Hockey!!!

Grady drum roll please...

10. The AARP Senior Citizens League just cut you from the team...
9. Your kids use your Black Sabbath 8 track tapes for pucks...
8. It takes you more than 4 hours to put your equipment on...
7. Your hockey equipment bag odors of muscle ointments and heart pills...
6. Johnson and Johnson offered you a band-aid endorsement...
5. Harry Potter body checked you and put you in the hospital...
4. Its hard to skate backwards wearing adult diapers...
3. The ice rink scoreboard makes your hearing aid buzz...
2. Aunt Ester just whopped you in the pie hole with her hand bag...
1. Your have blue hair!!!






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