Here we present a humorous hockey
look at life TOONS ON-ICE style!!!
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“If sharks ( and Jessica Simpson ) could vote, Ref’s would be elected the #1 ultimate chicken of the sea by a leg ( and skate ) margin this November! All west coast sharks know the best Ref drive-thrus are open 24 hours and serve hot or mild sauce!
Presenting the Top 10 Reasons Taco Ref is the best place to dine this summer! |
Jose drum role please...
10. The crap ass whistle taco’s are a local favorite...
9. Eating at Taco Ref is cheaper than a tank of gas...
8. Anything is better than Krystal’s at 4am...
7. Food napkins can be easily converted to toilet paper...
6. Only the Chuckie Cheeses Rat has died from eating there...
5. Their giant face off circle flour tortillas make great frisbee’s...
4. Critics say the blind man’s cheese is to fart for...
3. Goalies beware of the legendary ten minute major bathroom burrito...
2. Granny eats there eight days a week...
1. Kid’s with gas always eat free!!!
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“Oh say can you see by the drive thru's early light, oh proudly we hail salt, by the ketchups last gleaming”, verse, chorus, snack, whistle etc.! Have you ever wondered why Refs are more annoying than the flies at Summer Hockey BBQs? It’s because they are from the same family evolution. All stomach and no eyes!
Presenting the Top 10 Things Refs feed their Pet Flies! |
Garbage dude drum role please...
10. A triple decker kitty litter sandwich...
9. White Castle ( same thing )...
8. Chunky Funky Monkey Butt Ice Cream...
7. Kid Rocks Rooster...
6. Krispy Kreme Doughnut...
5. A maggot taco...
4. Ozzy's skid marked underwear...
3. Canadian Chicken Fried Moose Turd...
2. A table spoon of chili and Viagra...
1. An Amercian Idol with ketchup!!!
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Sunday, Monday Hockeydays! Tuesday, Wednesday Hockeydays! Thursday, Friday Hockeydays!
Saturday, what a day, puckin’ all week with you! Aside from other more popular less entertaining sports, hockey is still the greatest spectacle on the planet! If your not enjoying a good ole’ hockey game, your watching too much slam dunk! Presenting the TOP 10 reasons why Hockey Rocks! |
10. Smaller the ball, the higher the I.Q...
9. Where else can you sock someone and then shake their hand afterwards...
8. Basketball would be more exciting with goalies and bodychecking...
7. Dad once pulled a Ref Cam out of his popcorn at a hockey game...
6. Ice girls prefer hockey players...
5. Hockey makes your parents less annoying...
4. Try to mess with Granny’s nacho’s in playoff OT...
3. You can tell life is re-evolving when Gladiator sports are popular...
2. Only hockey players can walk on water...
1. When I was stoned blue, the hockey funhouse helped me through!!!
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A famous philosopher once said: Money, get away. Get a coach job with zero pay and your O.K. eh! Money, it’s a gas. Grab that drive thru cash and make a stash. Crappy car, no caviar Motel 6 day dream. Think I’ll buy me a youth hockey team! It was another great philosopher that also once said “Tell your father to get his ass up off the couch or I’m going to kill the Television”! Having survived another season of paid in full.
Presenting our Top 10 List of Reasons Mom’s checkbook really needs a vacation! |
Don Ho Drum Roll Please...
10. Mom’s checkbook just held up a liquor store...
9. Telecheck was body-checked by a youth hockey tournament...
8. Mom’s Visa Card Statement scared the cat...
7. Well, the bathroom needing remodeling...
6. And there was a shoe sale at Payless...
5. The pen finally escaped...
4. You just had a check returned for $1.62...
3. Only a Hockey Mom can go bankrupt on pizza and soda...
2. Your bills won’t fit in the mailbox...
1. Mom’s checkbook has fallen and it can’t get up!!!
You wanted the worst and you got the worst! The blindest band in the land “Ref”!
Presenting our top 10 list of reasons why Refs would make bad rock stars!
Keith Moon drum smash please...
10. Their music idols are the Bee Gees...
9. Ref Alive 4 only sold 12 copies in Japan...
8. Viagra dosen't sponsor rock bands...
7. Only gay Refs wear make-up and orange high heels...
6. They would trash hotel rooms with Hawaiin Party Punch and Twinkies...
5. Bad wigs and big belly’s are not in the Billboard top 100...
4. Line Officials only blow fire when they fart...
3. Paris Hilton and the Fab Five would be thier only groupies...
2. If you can’t sing or play an instrument you can only be a rapper...
1. Who wants to hear a lead whistle solo!?!
I went to a hockey game and a cooking and home garden show broke out!We proudly
present our “TOP 10 List of the reasons Martha Stewart will never play ice hockey!”
Judge drum roll please!!!..........
10. Martha uses her hockey gloves to face wash her tomatoes...
9. She thinks “Splitting the defense” is causing a subsequent Federal Legal Battle...
8. Skate sharpeners were not made for slicing bologna...
7. It’s hard to grow fresh veggies in the sin-bin..
6. She thinks “Deke” is her long forgotten cousin from Alabama...
5. She thinks a “Trailer” is where she’s going to live with “Deke” when she gets out of jail...
4. Her 5th Avenue friend Bubby told her “Blown howitzer” means “Jewish prison hooker”...
3. Martha thinks“Laying the lumber” is a TV star date with Don Cherry...
2. Yuppies can’t ice skate in leg shackles...
1. All her teeth are real!!!
The Hockey Granny drives like a maniac, but she's always wears her seat belt!
Although Granny would rather belt Martha Stewart in her lamb chops.
Granny Ice Miser says drive smart, puckle up and belt someone!
We present our Top 10 List of reasons you should buckle up and belt a friend ON-ICE!
Starsky and Hutch drum roll please!
10. Santa wears his seat beat ( Except only after Thanksgiving Dinner )...
9. A seat belt keeps your ZZ Top CD from blowing you out of the car...
8. Don’t join the Lynard Skynard 500...
7. Wearing a seat belt beats wearing a body bag...
6. The little puckers won’t be ejected into Chucky Cheese...
5. Mummy’s can’t skate...
4. I would rather kiss an Ice Girl than a windshield...
3. A seat belt keeps Granny’s big hooters from popping out on the freeway...
2. A seat belt helps balance your coffee and cell phone hands...
1. You’ll buckle up if you want to skate a new day!!!
Are you tired of Metallica blasting from one end of your house??? Do you live with a
reluctant juvenile who thinks “taking out the trash” is high sticking a Ref? Is your
phone bill higher than Keith Richards? Is the First National Bank of Dad closed??? Then
you must be living with a teenage Demon ON-ICE who used to be your loving child!
We are proud to present our Top 10 list of Ways to Get Your Teenager to Move Out!
Mom drum roll please...
10. Take the door off their room...
9. Start every conversation with “When I was your age”...
8. Hold a garage sale in their bedroom...
7. Serve boiled codfish for dinner 30 nights in a row...
6. Walk around the house in your underwear...
5. Play Bee Gee’s records all day...
4. Put Vaseline on the front door knob so they can’t get in the house...
3. Leave a travel brochure in their room marked pot is legal in Canada...
2. Hire a beautiful Swedish maid and tell your son she’s a lesbian...
1. Trade your kid to another family for a draft choice to be named later on!!!
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Me, and yer Uncle Billy Bob, and yer cousin Jimmy Joe Bob, and yer’ Granny’s cousin Eb carried me down to the store and a damn hockey game broke out in aisle one by the beer and cigarettes! Skating is the only thing more fun than watching red necks fight over the last jar of Pig’s Feet at Walmart!
Presenting the top 10 Reasons skating rules! |
Nurse Drum Role Please...
10. Skating beats rotting your eye sight on a Playstation 2...
9. It’s legal to elbow yer’ kin folk if your wearing ice skates...
8. Save IRAQ and build an ice rink ( with VIP camel parking )...
7. Skating is easier than running from the cops...
6. Skating is the greatest thing since the hamburger...
5. The Pope owns a holy skate sharpener...
4. Ice Girls can shop faster on rollerblades...
3. Skating is the ultimate hair dryer...
2. Dad’s top speed is 900 mph downhill on ice skates...
1. Two skates are better than one!!!
Do you have a complex about black and white stripes? Have you ever yelled at a blind
Zebra on ice skates? When you go into a Kripsy Kreme doughnut shop, does a Ref
Convention break out? Since Hockey Refs are the Most Wanted Skater on the planet!
We present our top 10 List of Ways put a Ref ON-ICE!
Tyrone drum roll please...
10. Take away his Barbie dolls...
9. Loosely tie a Ref to the tallest roller coaster at Six Flags...
8. Make a Ref sit through The Mighty Ducks movie 500 times until he croaks...
7. Air mail a couple Ref’s to the middle east in a box marked American hot-dogs...
6. Convince a Referee to convert his whistle into a crackpipe...
5. Tell a Ref Santa was killed by an elf in a rival drive by shooting...
4. Erase his Boy George CD’s...
3. Set a Ref up on a blind date with OJ’s ex-wife...
2. Drop a Ref off in East St. Louis after dark...
1. The Woody Woodpecker Cartoon Meat Grinder!!!
Other wise known as the “Old Man”! Your classic Hockey Dad is defined as; a man
who has begotten a lil’ puckhead, to make ones self the team coach, one often of
particular power or influence who over sees your first Zamboni driving lesson!
We are proud to pay tribute to all the worlds faithful Fathers ON-ICE and their
uncommon wisdom by presenting our TOP 10 List of “Why Hockey Dad’s rule”!!!
Refrigerator drum roll please...
10. Dad always knows how to do EVERYTHING...
9. Hockey Dads all sport a custom traveling TV tray with anvil road case...
8. Who else would volunteer as your travel team coach...
7. First National Bank of Dad is open 24 hours...
6. Pops took me to my first hockey game...
5. If mom’s shopping at a half price clearance sale, then dads in charge of chauffeur...
4. Dad has survived the perils of my reckless youth...
3. Dad works at McDonalds...
2. My dad can beat up your dad...
1. If I could choose any Dad in the entire world, it would be no contest!!!
Let’s face it! If the Gods hadn’t created Hockey Moms, there wouldn’t be anyone to
fuss over your first pair of ice skates! We are proud to salute those many dedicated
Moms ON-ICE by presenting our TOP 10 List of “Why Hockey Moms rule”!!!
Dad drum roll please...
10. A Hockey Mom can kick a Soccer Mom’s ass...
9. In the beginning Eve was a Hockey Mom ( Adam was a Referee ) ...
8. Who else drops you ( and your bum friends ) off at hockey practice in a 6 am blizzard...
7. Hockey Moms are in charge of credit card bills, boo-boos, and fast food drive-thrus...
6. A Hockey Mom will sacrifice a shopping spree at Walmart to buy their kid new skates...
5. They own high-tech home audio gear to tape their soaps during hockey season...
4. Hockey Moms keep the local rink Ref’s well stocked with fresh ear plugs...
3. Hockey Moms invented popcorn and the first kick save ( on-dad in bed )...
2. Who else can juggle hot coffee, cell phone, and a van full of rowdy kids with pure grace...
1. Mom has a 100 mph slapper!!!
Eat your heart out Tickle Me Elmo Talking Alphabet Chalkboard!
We present the “ABC’s of Hockey” TOONS ON-ICE style! ( Fan Version )
A. Stands for Anthem that's performed like mating cattle...
B. Stands for Badly as two teams prepare for Battle...
C. Stands for Center-Ice where the teams Converge to start...
D. Stands for Dumb blind Ref about to Drop the puck...
E. Stands for Excited crowd Eating like wild pigs...
F. Stands for Fans slarfing Food wearing Furry puckhead wigs...
G. Stands for Goalies Guarding their Goal cages...
H. Stands for Henchmen dishing out High-sticking majors...
I. Stands for Ice-Girls shoveling the blessed Ice...
J. Stands for Jabbering loud mouth fans yelling things not so nice...
K. Stands for Killer Kowalski skating on the attack...
L. Stands for goalie Leaving his crease and his coach yelling “Le’ hurry and get back”...
M. Stands for Mascot, annoying, colorful and cuddly...
N. Stands for European player with No goals and way too many penalties...
O. Stands for Organ that fills up the arena between plays...
P. Stands for Pop-Corn and Peanuts and People who eat on card board trays...
Q. Stands for Quick player who's fast on the draw...
R. Stands for Red Light making the home crowd Roar...
S. Stands for Slap-Shot Some Star player Shot into the net...
T. Stands for Time Clock showing only seconds left...
U. Stands for Underdog who just scored his breakaway wish...
V. Stands for Veteran Goalie flopping in his crease like a fish...
W. Stands for Whacko team owner now feeling like a jerk...
X. Stands for X-Coach now looking for new work...
Y. Stands for Yelling as the crowd cheers the victory they have won...
Z. Stands for the Zamboni coming out to clean up all the fun...
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