Here we present a humorous hockey
look at life TOONS ON-ICE style!!!
If sharks ( and Jessica Simpson ) could vote, Refs would be elected the #1 ultimate chicken of the sea by a leg ( and skate ) margin this November! All west coast sharks know the best Ref drive-thrus are open 24 hours and serve hot or mild sauce!
Presenting the Top 10 Reasons Taco Ref is the best place to dine this summer! |
Oh say can you see by the drive thru's early light, oh proudly we hail salt, by the ketchups last gleaming, verse, chorus, snack, whistle etc.! Have you ever wondered why Refs are more annoying than the flies at Summer Hockey BBQs? Its because they are from the same family evolution. All stomach and no eyes!
Presenting the Top 10 Things Refs feed their Pet Flies! |
Sunday, Monday Hockeydays! Tuesday, Wednesday Hockeydays! Thursday, Friday Hockeydays!
Saturday, what a day, puckin all week with you! Aside from other more popular less entertaining sports, hockey is still the greatest spectacle on the planet! If your not enjoying a good ole hockey game, your watching too much slam dunk! Presenting the TOP 10 reasons why Hockey Rocks! |
A famous philosopher once said: Money, get away. Get a coach job with zero pay and your O.K. eh! Money, its a gas. Grab that drive thru cash and make a stash. Crappy car, no caviar Motel 6 day dream. Think Ill buy me a youth hockey team! It was another great philosopher that also once said Tell your father to get his ass up off the couch or Im going to kill the Television! Having survived another season of paid in full.
Presenting our Top 10 List of Reasons Moms checkbook really needs a vacation! |
You wanted the worst and you got the worst! The blindest band in the land Ref!
Presenting our top 10 list of reasons why Refs would make bad rock stars!
Keith Moon drum smash please...
10. Their music idols are the Bee Gees...
9. Ref Alive 4 only sold 12 copies in Japan...
8. Viagra dosen't sponsor rock bands...
7. Only gay Refs wear make-up and orange high heels...
6. They would trash hotel rooms with Hawaiin Party Punch and Twinkies...
5. Bad wigs and big bellys are not in the Billboard top 100...
4. Line Officials only blow fire when they fart...
3. Paris Hilton and the Fab Five would be thier only groupies...
2. If you cant sing or play an instrument you can only be a rapper...
1. Who wants to hear a lead whistle solo!?!
I went to a hockey game and a cooking and home garden show broke out!We proudly
present our TOP 10 List of the reasons Martha Stewart will never play ice hockey!
Judge drum roll please!!!..........
10. Martha uses her hockey gloves to face wash her tomatoes...
9. She thinks Splitting the defense is causing a subsequent Federal Legal Battle...
8. Skate sharpeners were not made for slicing bologna...
7. Its hard to grow fresh veggies in the sin-bin..
6. She thinks Deke is her long forgotten cousin from Alabama...
5. She thinks a Trailer is where shes going to live with Deke when she gets out of jail...
4. Her 5th Avenue friend Bubby told her Blown howitzer means Jewish prison hooker...
3. Martha thinksLaying the lumber is a TV star date with Don Cherry...
2. Yuppies cant ice skate in leg shackles...
1. All her teeth are real!!!
The Hockey Granny drives like a maniac, but she's always wears her seat belt!
Although Granny would rather belt Martha Stewart in her lamb chops.
Granny Ice Miser says drive smart, puckle up and belt someone!
We present our Top 10 List of reasons you should buckle up and belt a friend ON-ICE!
Starsky and Hutch drum roll please!
10. Santa wears his seat beat ( Except only after Thanksgiving Dinner )...
9. A seat belt keeps your ZZ Top CD from blowing you out of the car...
8. Dont join the Lynard Skynard 500...
7. Wearing a seat belt beats wearing a body bag...
6. The little puckers wont be ejected into Chucky Cheese...
5. Mummys cant skate...
4. I would rather kiss an Ice Girl than a windshield...
3. A seat belt keeps Grannys big hooters from popping out on the freeway...
2. A seat belt helps balance your coffee and cell phone hands...
1. Youll buckle up if you want to skate a new day!!!
Are you tired of Metallica blasting from one end of your house??? Do you live with a
reluctant juvenile who thinks taking out the trash is high sticking a Ref? Is your
phone bill higher than Keith Richards? Is the First National Bank of Dad closed??? Then
you must be living with a teenage Demon ON-ICE who used to be your loving child!
We are proud to present our Top 10 list of Ways to Get Your Teenager to Move Out!
Mom drum roll please...
10. Take the door off their room...
9. Start every conversation with When I was your age...
8. Hold a garage sale in their bedroom...
7. Serve boiled codfish for dinner 30 nights in a row...
6. Walk around the house in your underwear...
5. Play Bee Gees records all day...
4. Put Vaseline on the front door knob so they cant get in the house...
3. Leave a travel brochure in their room marked pot is legal in Canada...
2. Hire a beautiful Swedish maid and tell your son shes a lesbian...
1. Trade your kid to another family for a draft choice to be named later on!!!
Me, and yer Uncle Billy Bob, and yer cousin Jimmy Joe Bob, and yer Grannys cousin Eb carried me down to the store and a damn hockey game broke out in aisle one by the beer and cigarettes! Skating is the only thing more fun than watching red necks fight over the last jar of Pigs Feet at Walmart!
Presenting the top 10 Reasons skating rules! |
Do you have a complex about black and white stripes? Have you ever yelled at a blind
Zebra on ice skates? When you go into a Kripsy Kreme doughnut shop, does a Ref
Convention break out? Since Hockey Refs are the Most Wanted Skater on the planet!
We present our top 10 List of Ways put a Ref ON-ICE!
Tyrone drum roll please...
10. Take away his Barbie dolls...
9. Loosely tie a Ref to the tallest roller coaster at Six Flags...
8. Make a Ref sit through The Mighty Ducks movie 500 times until he croaks...
7. Air mail a couple Refs to the middle east in a box marked American hot-dogs...
6. Convince a Referee to convert his whistle into a crackpipe...
5. Tell a Ref Santa was killed by an elf in a rival drive by shooting...
4. Erase his Boy George CDs...
3. Set a Ref up on a blind date with OJs ex-wife...
2. Drop a Ref off in East St. Louis after dark...
1. The Woody Woodpecker Cartoon Meat Grinder!!!
Other wise known as the Old Man! Your classic Hockey Dad is defined as; a man
who has begotten a lil puckhead, to make ones self the team coach, one often of
particular power or influence who over sees your first Zamboni driving lesson!
We are proud to pay tribute to all the worlds faithful Fathers ON-ICE and their
uncommon wisdom by presenting our TOP 10 List of Why Hockey Dads rule!!!
Refrigerator drum roll please...
10. Dad always knows how to do EVERYTHING...
9. Hockey Dads all sport a custom traveling TV tray with anvil road case...
8. Who else would volunteer as your travel team coach...
7. First National Bank of Dad is open 24 hours...
6. Pops took me to my first hockey game...
5. If moms shopping at a half price clearance sale, then dads in charge of chauffeur...
4. Dad has survived the perils of my reckless youth...
3. Dad works at McDonalds...
2. My dad can beat up your dad...
1. If I could choose any Dad in the entire world, it would be no contest!!!
Lets face it! If the Gods hadnt created Hockey Moms, there wouldnt be anyone to
fuss over your first pair of ice skates! We are proud to salute those many dedicated
Moms ON-ICE by presenting our TOP 10 List of Why Hockey Moms rule!!!
Dad drum roll please...
10. A Hockey Mom can kick a Soccer Moms ass...
9. In the beginning Eve was a Hockey Mom ( Adam was a Referee ) ...
8. Who else drops you ( and your bum friends ) off at hockey practice in a 6 am blizzard...
7. Hockey Moms are in charge of credit card bills, boo-boos, and fast food drive-thrus...
6. A Hockey Mom will sacrifice a shopping spree at Walmart to buy their kid new skates...
5. They own high-tech home audio gear to tape their soaps during hockey season...
4. Hockey Moms keep the local rink Refs well stocked with fresh ear plugs...
3. Hockey Moms invented popcorn and the first kick save ( on-dad in bed )...
2. Who else can juggle hot coffee, cell phone, and a van full of rowdy kids with pure grace...
1. Mom has a 100 mph slapper!!!
Eat your heart out Tickle Me Elmo Talking Alphabet Chalkboard!
We present the ABCs of Hockey TOONS ON-ICE style! ( Fan Version )
A. Stands for Anthem that's performed like mating cattle...
B. Stands for Badly as two teams prepare for Battle...
C. Stands for Center-Ice where the teams Converge to start...
D. Stands for Dumb blind Ref about to Drop the puck...
E. Stands for Excited crowd Eating like wild pigs...
F. Stands for Fans slarfing Food wearing Furry puckhead wigs...
G. Stands for Goalies Guarding their Goal cages...
H. Stands for Henchmen dishing out High-sticking majors...
I. Stands for Ice-Girls shoveling the blessed Ice...
J. Stands for Jabbering loud mouth fans yelling things not so nice...
K. Stands for Killer Kowalski skating on the attack...
L. Stands for goalie Leaving his crease and his coach yelling Le hurry and get back...
M. Stands for Mascot, annoying, colorful and cuddly...
N. Stands for European player with No goals and way too many penalties...
O. Stands for Organ that fills up the arena between plays...
P. Stands for Pop-Corn and Peanuts and People who eat on card board trays...
Q. Stands for Quick player who's fast on the draw...
R. Stands for Red Light making the home crowd Roar...
S. Stands for Slap-Shot Some Star player Shot into the net...
T. Stands for Time Clock showing only seconds left...
U. Stands for Underdog who just scored his breakaway wish...
V. Stands for Veteran Goalie flopping in his crease like a fish...
W. Stands for Whacko team owner now feeling like a jerk...
X. Stands for X-Coach now looking for new work...
Y. Stands for Yelling as the crowd cheers the victory they have won...
Z. Stands for the Zamboni coming out to clean up all the fun...
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