TOONS ON-ICE Feature Dept.
Hockey Humor Top Ten








All fans can agree that Sid the Kid, Moe, Larry and Curly were born to play ice hockey and ice fish Heinz Field.

Presenting the Top 10 reasons Sidney Crosby rocks!

Pittsburgh drum role please...

10. Because he puts the biscuit in the basket...
 9. The Candians call him "Cindy" for good luck...
8. 87 was a good year...
 7. He can leap over a New Jersey Devil in a single bound...
6. He's barely old enough to buy beer...
 5. Sid baby sits for free...
4. Fifteen year old girls think he's God...
 3. He took the Stanley Cup to McDonalds...
2. His alter ego is Moe from the Three Stooges...
 1. He keeps ice bag company's in business!!!





Coach Dad says the only great thing about traffic is checking out the Hooters Bumper stickers on the way to the game.

Presenting the Top 10 things you can do while sitting in traffic in the crease!

Dad drum role please...

10. Elbow the person next to you...
9. Turn up your Motley Crue CD...
8. Comb your mullet...
7. Pick your nose...
6. Dream a little dream...
5. Goalies post a picture of the back of your defensemen on your Face Book page...
4. Ice Fish on your i-Phone...
3. Yell at the light to change...
2. Slarf a hot-dog...
1. Shoot the puck!!!





Four score and seven overtimes today! Did you ever wonder what would
happen if George Washington dropped the gloves on George Bush!?!

Top 10 reasons George Washington could kick George Bush's duff!

Patriots drum role please...

10. George Washington slarfed the first Declaration Day hot-dog...
9. He beat the crap out of the Red Coats with a Sherwood Cherry Tree...
8. Washington actually served in the US military...
7. George Washington had a backyard ice rink...
6. He invented quarter beer games...
5. Washington had a better mullet...
4. His teeth and stick were made of wood...
3. He was born on ice...
2. He could read the scoreboard...
1. Martha had a mean right hook!!!





Money, get away. Get a coach job with zero pay and your O.K! Money, it’s a gas. Grab that drive thru burger and make a stash. Crappy car, no caviar Motel 6 day dream. Think I’ll buy me a youth hockey team!

Presenting our Top 10 List of Reasons Mom’s checkbook really needs a vacation!

Don Ho Drum Roll Please...

10. Mom’s checkbook just held up a liquor store...
9. Telecheck was body-checked by a youth hockey tournament...
8. Mom’s Visa Card Statement scared the cat...
7. The shoe closet needed remodeling...
6. And there was a shoe sale at Payless...
5. Her ink pen finally escaped...
4. Mom just had a check returned for $1.62...
3. Only a Hockey Mom can go bankrupt on pizza and soda...
2. Your bills won’t fit in the mailbox...
1. Mom’s checkbook has fallen and it can’t get up!!!





Is it so cold the mustard is frozen solid on your hot-dog? You know your
living in Milwaukee when Santa says it's too cold to visit!

 Presenting the Top 10 reasons your from Wisconsin if!?!

Mister C drum role please...

10. You define summer as three months of bad sledding...
9. You’ve ever been sunburned and frostbitten in the same week...
8. Snow tires come standard...
7. “Down South” means Chicago...
6. The “Big Three” means Miller, Old Milwaukee and Pabst Blue Ribbon ...
5. Traveling coast to coast means going from Lake Superior to Milwaukee...
4. The Fonz is captain of the mens beer league...
3. You don’t have an NHL team...
2. Dad’s lawnmower is a Zamboni...
1. You have a piece of cheese on your head






If every rose has it's thorn, then why doesn't every Ref has his glasses? If Brett Michaels of Poison was a hockey referee, would hockey players try to beat him up more? One things for sure, if a Referee had his own VH1 T.V show, it would get cancelled soon as he ate all the contestants!

We present our top 10 Reasons it's hard to love a Referee!

Cupid drum roll please...

10. They always eat all the good doughnuts...
9. They like to listen to Barney sing alongs in the car...
8. Their whistle smells like Old Spice and White Castle...
7. They are really former figure skaters...
6. Even a bowl of chili couldn't love a Ref...
5. Your a coach...
4. Their wig falls off during face offs...
3. They fart during the National Anthem...
2. They give penalty's instead of flowers...
1. They like Miley Cyrus's Mom!





"Do we make you hockey baby?" Hockey rocks almost as much as hamburgers and ice girls! Skating is the only thing more fun than watching Grandma fight over the last box of twinkies at Walmart!

The Top 10 Reasons Skating Rocks!

Nurse Drum Role Please...

10. Skating beats rotting your eye sight on video games...
9. It’s legal to elbow yer’ kin folk if your wearing ice skates...
8. Help IRAQ and build an ice rink ( with VIP camel parking )...
7. Skating beats jogging...
6. Skating is the greatest thing since the hamburger...
5. The Pope owns a holy skate sharpener...
4. Ice Girls can shop faster on skates...
3. Skating is the ultimate hair dryer...
2. Dad’s top speed is 900 mph downhill on skates...
1. Two skates are better than one!!!





Let’s face it! If the Gods hadn’t created Hockey Moms, there wouldn’t be anyone to fuss over your first pair of ice skates! One day Mom's 1985 mini van will be inducted into the Hockey Hall of Fame next to Gordie Howe, Wayne Gretzky and The Zamboni.

The Top 10 List of “Why Hockey Moms rule”!!!

Walmart drum roll please...

10. A Hockey Mom can kick a Soccer Mom’s tail...
9. In the beginning, Eve was a Hockey Mom...
8. Who else drops you and your bum friends off at hockey practice at 6am...
7. Hockey Moms are in charge of bills, boo-boos, and fast food drive-thrus...
6. Mom will sacrifice a shopping spree at Walmart to buy their kid new skates...
5. They know the short cut to McDonalds...
4. Mom keeps the Referee’s well stocked with ear plugs...
3. Mom invented the first kick save on Dad in bed...
2. Who else can juggle hot coffee, a cell phone, and rowdy Lil' Puckers with grace...
1. Mom has a 100 mph slapper!!!





Just when hockey referees thought they discovered the meaning of life, somebody changed it to a two minute minor. Ref's will tell you the best thing to come from officiating are the free hot-dogs.

Here are the Top 10 Philosphies of a Ref's life!!!

Little Debbie drum role please...

10. You must have more than 3 TV channels to sustain life...
9. Always keep your pop corn machine well buttered...
8. A doughnut a day keeps the Coaches away...
7. Never let a dog use your whistle...
6. Avoid eye doctor’s who’s office plants have died...
5. The greatest car in the world is a 1973 Dodge Dart...
4. Lens Crafters is never right...
3. Farting is a sport...
2. Never let a Hockey Mom borrow your Boy George 8 track tapes...
1. The belly rules!





Do you gasp for air when you lace up your skates? Do you dig easy chairs? Is your TV remote connected to your hockey glove? Is it so hard for you to bend over that you find other things to do while your down there?

Here are the Top 10 hints that your Old Time Hockey!!!

Grady drum roll please...

10. The AARP Senior Citizens League just cut you from the team...
9. Your kids use your Black Sabbath 8 track tapes for pucks...
8. It takes you more than 4 hours to put your equipment on...
7. Your hockey equipment bag odors of muscle ointments and heart pills...
6. Johnson and Johnson offered you a band-aid endorsement...
5. Harry Potter body checked you and put you in the hospital...
4. Its hard to skate backwards wearing adult diapers...
3. The ice rink scoreboard makes your hearing aid buzz...
2. Aunt Ester just whopped you in the pie hole with her hand bag...
1. Your have blue hair!!!