Here we present a humorous hockey
look at life TOONS ON-ICE style!!!
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The 12 Days of Hockey Christmas ” TOONS ON-ICE style!”
Words by Michael Fischer
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A HOCKEY HOLIDAY TALE
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Words and music by Michael Fischer
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Who could be closer to a boy and his Mother? A 24 hour Haunted Walmrt? Is your mom a wicked hockey mom? Does your mom drive a killer hot-rod to morning practice?
Presenting the Top 10 Reasons Lily Munster is the ultimate Hockey Mom! |
Spot drum role please...
10. She don’t take no lip off Herman and Grampa...
9. She always makes sure Eddie’s skates and teeth are sharpened...
8. Their Mockingbird Lane moat is now a backyard ice rink...
7. She has a bat cell phone and a scary check book...
6. Aunt Lily and Marilyn moonlight as ice girls...
5. She makes Spot wake up Coach Herman at 6 am practice...
4. Her eye of Newt Spider Soup is a big hit at the annual Hockey Fundraiser...
3. She buys all's the teams equipment at the Transylvania Walmart...
2. She has a lead foot...
1. She's over 300 years old!!!
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Ding dong!!! "Trick or treat? Smell my feet! Gimme something good to eat!” Let's face it kiddies, the scariest Halloween costume in any neighborhood this year is a Hockey Referee!
Presenting the Top 10 things to give a Ref out trick or treating! |
Elvira drum role please...
10. Last years old candy no one ate...
9. A pair of binoculars...
8. A kick in the teeth...
7. Directions to Lens Crafters...
6. A Loverboy 8 track tape ...
5. A dog treat...
4. A chocolate covered turd...
3. White Castle coupons...
2. Barney Gone Wild Video...
1. Don’t answer the door!!!
They’re creepy and they’re kooky! Mysterious and spooky, all together ookie!
The Official Family! They’re smile’ish and they’re stylish, and all together blind’ish,
The Official Family! They wizzle and they dizzle, and all together fizzle. The Official Family!
They’re tacky and they’re whacky, and they smoke’a lotsa cracky, The Official Family!
Beware Kiddies! Lock your windows and refrigerators. It’s after midnight and
Count Refula is stalking your neighborhood in search of loose pucks and hot doughnuts.
Because the Count always oversleeps and misses his eye doctor appointment.
We Present our Top 13 Scariest Things about Ice Hockey Referees!
Igor drum roll please!
13. Black and orange are Elvira’s favorite colors...
12. Referee’s are scarier than Fat Elvis...
11. Refs sleep hanging upside down...
10. Refs actually think there are sharks in E-bay...
9. Refs listen to Whistle Medleys on 8 track when they mate...
8. Refs fart near the penalty box...
7. You never see them in the day time...
6. Mom says they do weird things to farm animals...
5. Ref’s point and blow more than Eminem...
4. They’re always wearing the same thing ( Like Gilligan )...
3. Remember the Texas Ref-Whistle Massacre?...
2. Refs have three zero’s on their head instead of three sixes...
1. They carry a tape measure and Viagra!!!
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Hangin out! Down the street! The same old Slurpee, we poured last week! Hockey Heaven forbid, if the Taliban represented the middle east with a 2010 Olympic Ice Hockey Team, would they be sponsored by 7-11 and wear CCM turbins? If the Taliban played ice hockey, would they be old school and wipe their ass with their goaltenders glove to keep team USA out of the goal crease? Or would they just throw rocks at the Refs on CNN, and then blow up the arena pipe organ?
Presenting the Top 10 reasons terrorists make bad hockey player role models! |
Profit Mohammed drum role please...
10. Their skates smell like a camel’s ass...
9. The arab defense would keep tripping over their rugs...
8. The last One Dollar Curry Night killed 311 people...
7. Taliban hockey players will murder each other over who gets to be Captain...
6. Bin Laden can only score with a mountain goat...
5. They think the Jumbo Tron Arena scoreboard is the great Satan...
4. Their last coach was shot and executed...
3. Deadly nerve gas is not allowed on the power play...
2. They keep blowing up the other team’s bench...
1. They have no clue about time!!!
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If Stephen King played hockey do you think he would scare the other team into losing? If Arnie the Little Demon Nerd Hockey Referee drove his Ghost Whistle Car to the last day of school, do you think he would he scare the cheerleading team and spook his home economics teacher into giving him an A+ on his final report card???
Presenting the Top 10 reasons not to mess with Arnie’s Ghost Whistle Car Christine! |
Wolf Man Jack drum role please...
10. She’ll do a doughnut on your doughnut...
9. Arnie will call bad penalty’s on you...
8. Have you ever been chased by a giant red ghost whistle?
7. She was made in Detroit...
6. Legend has it, she haunts Walmart parking lots at midnight...
5. She only stops at fifties diner's...
4. You’ll have to endure Chubby Checker...
3. She does zero to fart in under six seconds flat...
2. Her sister is a voodoo tuba with the New Orleans Philharmonic...
1. She has Blow Rage!!!
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It was a famous Canadian Cowboy Referee that said never kick a fresh Moose turd on a hot day eh! How come a Ref can’t make your day!?! Are Refs truly the blind, the bad and the ugly? When Referee’s ride off into the sunset on their pogo stick, why do they always go straight to Krispy Kreme Doughnuts?
Presenting the Top 10 reasons Hockey Referees make bad cowboys! |
John Wayne drum role please...
10. Ref’s can’t tame anything...
9. Their Blazing Saddle bean farts would scare the buffalo...
8. Pink and orange cowboy hats clash with the landscape...
7. They can only ride a horse if you put a nickel in it at Walmart...
6. They give indians the wrong impression...
5. The saloon don’t take to kindly to whistle blowin...
4. They can never figure out which way is the sunset...
3. The only thing they can shoot off is their mouth...
2. They think a Spaghetti Western is Garth Brooks at Pizza Hut...
1. If they we’re true grit they would be hockey players!!!
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I went to a drive-in movie theater and a Hockey Referee convention broke out! If hundreds of Hockey Referee’s invaded a drive-in movie theater, would they take over the kids playground, make a ton of noise and always fart during the good parts of the movie!?! We bet you would ask for a refund with all those whistles going off during the end of the horror movie!
Presenting the Top 10 reasons to avoid the drive-in movie lobby during intermission! |
Usher drum role please...
10. Refs are wearing their Barney Pajamas...
9. You might step on a whistle...
8. Nerd’s keep busting the front of the line...
7. The bathroom smells like a zoo...
6. You might get run over by a fart mobile...
5. A Ref will steal your hot-dog...
4. You might get whacked with a Boy George MP3 player...
3. The lobby resembles a zebra and skunk convention...
2. You’ll miss the three hours new movie previews...
1. Their always out of food!!!
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Why does Granny’s Puckergeist TV only show static, Three Stooges and NHL Hockey Games??? As Willy Nelson said when the IRS Tax Demon Spirits arrived at his house, They’re here!!! If there is an afterlife, do you believe that old deceased hockey ghosts love to haunt living NBA basketball fans? If hockey is so cosmic, why do Referee’s still need glasses and a gorilla size clue card!?! If super natural beings took over the NHL, do you think they would charge less for parking, and a round of hot-dogs and cold ones?!?
Presenting the Top 10 reasons They’re Here! |
Carol Ann drum role please...
10. Because they’re not on ESPN...
9. Purgatory has a new cellular phone sponsor...
8. To drop the biscuit eh...
7. It’s Free Fat Elvis Taco Night...
6. The Hooters Girls are singing the National Anthem...
5. Eb just bought his new Jeff Gordon TV tray...
4. Walmart was closed...
3. Psychic Lady Munchkin Farts...
2. To experience the Cosmic Mustard...
1. Dad’s got a new 42 inch Sony Flat Screen with remote!!!
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As a famous Ref Stage Actor once quoted, All the World’s a Stage and we are mearly Zebras with glasses! If Hockey Referee’s recited Shakespeare in a Broadway stage play, would they get nervous, fart and swallow their whistle? One things for sure, if ice hockey referee’s had any rhythm, they wouldn't be Ref’s!
Presenting the Top 10 reasons to avoid seeing Ref the Broadway Musical Play! |
Hamlet drum role please...
10. It’s hard seeing over all those big Barney heads...
9. If you sit to close to the stage, you’ll get fart on...
8. Free Willy 12 is better...
7. Michael Jackson’s posse takes up a whole section...
6. There’s a lot of egg throwing...
5. The head linesman's solo is simply pointing at the penalty box...
4. The organist only plays Boy George tunes...
3. Refs all have two left feet...
2. Richard Simmons hurled...
1. You’ll go blind!!!
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Do Referee’s require training wheels and whistles when biking across Europe!?! Could a Ref conquer France on his Barney Mountain Bike without getting a wedgie or heat rash from eating too much hot-dog mustard in the sun!?!
Presenting the Top 10 reasons a Ref could never be in the Tour De’ France! |
Paparazzi drum role please...
10. They put baseball cards in their spokes...
9. Rain would get their Barney Flag wet...
8. They couldn’t pass the eye test...
7. Dogs would chase them like a UPS Truck...
6. French Farmer’s would mistake them for Pe’ Pe’ Lepew...
5. There’s no Krispy Kreme Doughnut Shops on the way...
4. They can only bike uphill if someone is waving a hot-dog in front of them...
3. They look like a mustard jar wearing yellow...
2. They would get lost...
1. Sheryl Crow would hurl!!!
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Does "Off" bug spray work on Referees to? For your next summer pool party, don't forget to break out the Mosquito nets to protect you and your disfunctional family from the hanus Ref Nile Virus.
Presenting the Top 10 reasons you don't want to catch the Ref Nile Virus! |
Doctor's Howard, Howard and Fine drum role please...
10. You'll break out in a black and white stripe rash...
9. You'll go blind...
8. You'll have the urge to hang out in disco's...
7. You'll say things you really don't mean..
6. You'll screw up everything...
5. You'll have an endless appetite for Little Debbie Snack Cakes...
4. The pills are as big as whistles and taste like Moose turds...
3. People will make mean faces at you from the other side of the glass...
2.The hot mustard and relish baths...
1. There's no cure!!
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Do sharks prefer a hot summer brunch with or without whistle and mustard? As the famous California Fast Times surfer REF Spacoli once said, “Dude, all I need is a cool buzz and some tasty waves.”!
Presenting the Top 10 reasons to take a Ref beach surfing! |
Dude drum role please...
10. They can’t swim...
9. It’s more entertaining than ESPN poker...
8. They'll get sand in their whistle...
7. Sharks love Barney floats...
6. Surfing keeps them from calling a penalty...
5. It’s Jelly Fish season...
4. No one will give them CPR...
3. Beach will close due to Speedo attack...
2. Shamu will think it’s mating season...
1. Jaws 12!!!
Is Uncle Billy a 50 goal scorer? Why did Team Captain George Bailey crash his Zamboni
into a tree and then jump off a bridge to save his Guardian Angel? No one was born to
be a failure ( well except Refs ). No one is poor who has friends and is on MTV Cribs!
We proudly present our Top 10 List of Reasons the cast from "It’s a Wonderful Life"
would make a horrible ice hockey franchise!
Mr. Bank Examiner Drum Role Please...
10. Uncle Billy would forget where he put the puck...
9. Mr. Gower is on everything but ice skates...
8. Nick and Mr. Martini would convert the team into an Italian beer league...
7. Anna Nicole Smith can ice skate faster Clarence the Angel...
6. Ernie the taxi driver would take too many penalties...
5. The Little Puckers would toss Zu Zu’s peddle’s onto the ice instead of octo-pie...
4. Old Mr. Potter would steal all the hot-dogs...
3. Bailey Building and Loan would get bought out by corporate sponsors...
2. George and Mary aren't mean enough...
1. Hockey Granny says “Everytime a bell rings a Ref gets his clock cleaned”!!!
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